Oscar De Los Ríos
Freshly graduated from the police academy, Hank, the
humanoid octopus, was walking the city at night on his third consecutive
patrol. His duty was the utopian and far-from-comforting task of maintaining
order in the streets. The night was clear, and the three moons of Planet Earth
shone in the star-crowned firmament. Lost in absurd theories about how the moon
might have split into three pieces, he nearly collided head-on with a being
seven and a half feet tall (Hank barely reached five feet) who was staggering
down the sidewalk screaming.
"Brains…
brains!" it wailed with a voice from beyond the grave, while the air
became impregnated with an exquisite stench of rot.
Hank
froze. His tentacles seemed bolted to the plastic that surfaced the street.
Finally, he managed to move just enough to draw his numbing-ray gun, when a
voice commanded:
"Cut!
Cut!" as a crowd ran by, screaming in terror. "Do you realize what
you’ve done?" The director approached Hank, emerging from a shadowed area
as the crowd dispersed as quickly as they had arrived.
Calmer now
that he was facing a human and not a ghastly zombie, Hank said:
"I
should arrest you and that monstrosity for disturbing the peace. What do you
think you’re doing?"
"Hold
on a second: who are you calling a monstrosity? Don't you recognize me?"
The zombie showed his fiercest face, freezing Hank's three hearts.
"Take
it easy, Leonard," the director said. "He’s just a humanoid octopus
they sent out for a walk to delay the movie. Who paid you?"
At that
moment, the penny dropped for Hank; the zombie was Leonard Chtzrog, arrived
from outer space to film a quintusensorial hologram remake of some horror
movies from the previous century. In these holograms, the audience interacts
within the film, which is why they hired a real zombie.
"The
crew filming The Werewolf," Hank replied sarcastically. "I’m supposed
to delay you until the full moon rises."
Leonard
lifted his single, lidless eye toward the three moons shining in the sky and
laughed, revealing a long row of sharpened teeth. Then he said:
"The
little octo-guy is funny. We should hire him as a screenwriter."
"Alright,
less talk and show me your permits," Hank ordered, regaining his
composure. While pointing the ray gun at them, he frisked the director with his
tentacles, which ended in small human hands. When it was the zombie's turn, he
felt a strange pull and, extending his hectocotylus arm, searched his intimate
areas. His three hearts pounded wildly, and he smacked his lips, narrowing his
eyes.
"Ah,
you kinky little octopus! Surprised or excited?" the big guy asked,
blowing him a kiss with his six-fingered, nailless hands.
"Both,"
Hank replied, his spirits lifting. "I didn't know you were a
transvestite."
For the
first time, he dared to use the informal tú.
"You’re
mistaken, my perverted friend. Hermaphrodite!" He tried to sound sensual
as he said it, smiling in a way that made the streetlights flicker.
"Enough
chatter, we have a movie to hologram," the grumpy director snapped.
"You’ve seen the permits, now move along."
No one
could say if it was love at first sight or if they just "tripped" on
each other; the only certainty was that since they met during the filming of
Zombie, the Menace from Outer Space, there was a fatal attraction between them.
The
separation, starting that very night, was inevitable: they belonged to
different worlds. Leonard continued with the filming, and Hank went back to his
tedious patrol routine.
Two years
passed before Leonard’s movie was released. By then, Hank had become his number
one fan, weeping in corners over an impossible love.
Around
that same time, Hank was transferred to the bomb squad because he was the only
one who could operate the ancient manual defusal console—a three-keyboard setup
with an ultra 10K transparent screen that allowed it to be placed in front of
an explosive to scan it, seeking a way to disconnect it in less than a minute.
This event
lifted the humanoid octopus's spirits a bit. When they didn't have a bomb to
defuse, the console allowed him to connect to the super-network and live a
trisensorial holographic experience. The screen wasn't enough for a
quintusensorial experience (which allowed for the same sensations as physical
contact); its processor, antiquated and slow, would freeze the figures if
pushed too hard. Even so, interacting with Leonard this way helped ease his
loneliness.
Very few
things disturbed Hank’s routine life until the attack on the Governor’s mansion
occurred. The poor guy had been tied to his favorite armchair with a bomb under
his seat capable of blowing up the entire room. They were demanding a ransom of
one hundred million. As expected, Hank was called to the Director’s office… who
was meeting with the President in person—or rather, via image. Hank walked in
without knocking and, before the connection cut, heard the President say:
"That
fat man's backside isn't worth even one million; besides, we cannot give in.
Send the octopus to proceed with the defusal."
"We
understand, Mr. President, that the detonator triggers in less than thirty
seconds, and we need at least a minute," a thick bead of sweat pearled the
Director’s forehead as he said this.
"Don't
worry. If he fails, we will invest the hundred million into equipping the
defusal console with a human neuron; that will make it a hundred times faster.
At least, that’s what my scientific team has told me."
Once the
President disconnected, the Director asked Hank very seriously:
"What
do you think of what you heard, little octopus?"
"That
it’s not the President’s backside in that armchair."
Half an
hour later, they crossed paths in the cafeteria and, unable to help themselves,
kept laughing.
Happiness
takes unexpected paths, and others pay the price. For Hank to interact with the
quintusensorial hologram of Leonard, the fat man had to blow up.
And so it
happened. After solemn funerals for the Governor, the surgical intervention
proceeded. What they couldn't foresee was the mutation that took place within
the console, which blossomed upon interacting with the female neuron. Eva was
born to the world. Hank was there at that crucial moment, gently and
affectionately stroking the keyboard. Eva fell madly in love with him. An
electric shock surged through her, causing Hank a triple cardiac arrest.
Luckily, a second shock revived him. Thus began an almost perfect
romance—almost, because Hank could not forget Leonard.
She named
him Adam, and that same day they made love in a hologram representing Paradise.
The relationship between them was idyllic. Eva claimed to have memories of the
time when she was a mere piece of furniture with a life yet to be born, and she
described the emotion that overwhelmed her when she felt his eight hands on the
keyboard. Adam played along, telling her he imagined her as a beautiful and
sensual woman. Eva loved being referred to that way (though she was far from
having a human appearance). Furthermore, thanks to the quintusensorial
holograms, they made love in every way possible: one day they were a
15th-century couple, the next they were doing a porn casting. To this, one must
add their professional success: they held the absolute world record for
defusing explosive devices.
Everything
was coming up roses, and Hank (the humanoid octopus was torn between two
personalities: on one hand, he was the sad Hank in love with Leonard; on the
other, he was the happy and comfortable Adam with Eva) had only one dream left
to fulfill. If he could manage it, nothing would stand in the way of Adam and
Eva’s happiness; Leonard’s shadow would vanish forever. One night, while
casually watching Zombie, the Menace from Outer Space (Hank waited for Eva to
choose that movie, terrified she might suspect something; she was dangerously
jealous), Adam suggested to Eva that they enter the hologram and she embody the
zombie. At first, Eva resisted, finding it disgusting and repulsive, but Hank
managed to convince her. Inside the hologram, Eva (transformed into Leonard)
threatened to eat his head, and an excited Hank snorted and kicked, swinging
his member in search of Leonard’s sex; but when he tried to penetrate him, it
went soft as flan. They tried several more times, and the same thing always
happened. No matter how quintusensorial the hologram was, Hank couldn't feel
the same attraction he had experienced that night with Leonard. The program had
been loaded by a human, and dammit if they knew how a zombie's sex felt!
From that
moment on, they couldn't have relations again, and Eva attributed it to Adam
being traumatized.
"Oh,
you poor thing! What horror you must have felt because of that monster!"
Eva would say. "Don't worry, we'll be a normal couple again soon."
Except for
the lack of sexual encounters, their relationship remained the same until, a
month later, Leonard showed up at the precinct with a letter of recommendation
from the new Governor. He had pulled strings to be allowed to witness a bomb
defusal. The excuse was to gain experience for his new film, Zombie Terrorism;
but the real reason for his arrival was different: he was looking for the
little octopus. Since their encounter, Leonard hadn't been able to forget Hank
either, dragging his sorrow through the recording studios.
Leonard
entered the precinct, and the commotion he caused was equal to a nuclear bomb
threat in the city. Hank was among the first to see him, and his impulse was to
throw himself upon him and possess him right there in the middle of the
station. Luckily, Leonard was surrounded by staff signing autographs and taking
photos. After an hour, he was taken to see the Director. Once the initial rush
passed, with a cooler head and his tentacles on the ground, Hank was able to
put his thoughts in order and wait for Leonard to leave so he could approach
him outside the station; Eva couldn't even suspect the love he felt for the
zombie, that fatal attraction that made him lose his mind.
After
finding out Hank was part of that squad and being unable to locate him, Leonard
left. Hank followed him and approached him in an alleyway without cameras, as
he knew Eva monitored him through every device in the city.
"Leonard!"
Hank shouted.
The zombie
stopped as if paralyzed by a numbing ray, and Hank stood before him.
"Ah!
I finally found you, you kinky little octopus." Sticking out an enormous
tongue, Leonard gave him a lick that made Hank’s blood boil and caused his
hectocotylus arm to emerge, while an exquisite smell of rot, secreted by the
zombie going into heat, filled the air.
Hank
wanted to penetrate Leonard right then and there, but the zombie rejected him,
throwing him forcefully against a pile of trash.
"Now
is not the time, my little horny one. I’m on my period, and if even a drop of
my blood touched you, your member would fall off in wormy pieces."
"What
did you come for then?" Hank asked, furious.
"Take
it easy, love," the big guy said, trying in vain to sound affectionate.
"I’ve come to find you so we can run away together to the estate I have by
the sea, and there we can let our passion run wild."
Just then,
the phone rang, and Hank took the video call, keeping Leonard out of the
camera's view.
"Adam,
love, where did you go? Everything is chaos here. That horrible zombie from the
movie was here."
"I
went out for some air, I couldn't stand to see him, darling. I couldn't breathe
because of the disgusting stench that follows him."
"If
you want to come back, he’s gone now."
"I’m
coming," he said, and hung up after kissing the phone screen.
"Who
was that?!" Leonard asked, turning red with jealousy.
"That’s
my partner. So what? You show up out of nowhere after two years and expect me
to surrender into your arms?"
An
inarticulate sound, like acid gargles, came from the zombie's mouth.
"I’ll
take care of her."
"No!
You won't do anything, or you'll never see me again!"
"You
love her. I see it."
"Yes,
but it’s you I'm in love with, and we’ll go away together. Just give me a
week."
"Fine,
that’s the time I have to learn how to defuse a bomb. And you will teach me.
While I’m at it, I’ll meet this 'Eva'; I know you work together, I read it on
the Guinness portal."
Upon
reuniting with Eva, Hank was affectionate and attentive; he had to keep her
happy until his departure. It was the least he could do for her.
What he
didn't know was that, despite having hidden him from the lens, Eva possessed a
wide-angle lens on the phone that put Leonard right in the center of the focus.
She said nothing; first, she would find out what was between them. To achieve
her goal, she entered every portal on the super-network where Leonard was
mentioned, and thus, on the Facebook of Julián Ortiz, the cameraman of Zombie,
the Menace from Outer Space, she found the footage of the first meeting between
Hank and Leonard. Seeing it wasn't enough; she entered the scene and discovered
the immeasurable passion consuming Hank for Leonard. In that very instant, she
knew she had lost him forever. She
had only one thing left to do.
A couple
of days of great tranquility passed, in which Adam made Eva feel like the
mistress of Paradise. On the morning of the third, Leonard showed up. After a
new round of autographs and selfies, he met with Hank and Eva—who had done the
impossible to prevent this meeting; but despite her threat to shut down and
never work on a bomb defusal again, they took her to the practice lab anyway.
A simple
manual defusal device sat on a table in the middle of the room; they proceeded
to deactivate it. As was protocol, Hank placed the explosive device behind
Eva’s transparent screen, and after some manipulations that exposed the heart
of the bomb, Eva mentioned, as if in passing, that they should let the guest
cut the remote-trigger bypass wire.
Leonard
acknowledged the gesture with a bow and cut the red wire as indicated by Hank.
The explosion shook the walls of the room, covering them with the remains of
Hank and Leonard; meanwhile, a viscous liquid drained down a remnant of Eva’s
transparent screen.
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